The Bottom Line
To make a fresh start with someone, you must sort through deep feelings. Be honest.

In Detail
Making a fresh start with someone is proving to be much more challenging than you had initially thought it would be. Moving past grudges and hurt feelings is taking longer than you hoped, but the reward for your efforts will be larger than you expected. Resign yourself to the fact that it is going to take you time to dig through those deep feelings in order to move beyond them. This person deserves a second chance, and you need to do whatever you need to do in order to give it to them.

ive a feeling this is gonna be a very long entry. 

the week started off bad. yes. bad. woke up to housework, bathe and had nothing to do. so i read my book. and while reading, i cried. and it wasnt because it was sad. it was because i thought of azman.

yes. the arse.

i know u guys are probably going "aww.. come on la dee.. move on lah... he's not worth it..."

yes. ive heard it all before. and more. advices were thrown at me and stuff. and i really appreciate it. honestly i do. but its really easier said than done. if you were in my shoes, having secretly adoring and loving someone for years, would you be able to let go that easily? 

and something happened to me to make me believe that he was the one for me. 

its been years since azman and me contact each other. so i was suprised when he did.

for the entire fasting month, i prayed. i never missed my prayers. not even terawih. i made the effort to do so even after a long day from work. except during days i cant lah. and after each prayer, i doa for Him to show me the guy i was to be with. to show him in my dreams or to msg me and say certain things or to do something so unexpected of him. and all these were answered and done so by azman. so yes. of coz i was happy. of coz i believed it was him. why shouldnt i? why shouldnt i believe what God showed to me? it happened throughout the HOLY month of ramadhan.  of coz i believed.

but people say it was all a mistake. and that maybe now God wants to show me something else.

but would God ever make a mistake? would he do something like that to hurt his creations when he is supposed to love them? would he be cruel to play this trick on me? of coz not. if he did, then He wouldnt be God right?

but indeed, i am asking why. 

why me? why must this happen? havent i suffered enough? dont i deserve happiness? how many more years do i have to suffer and cry before i can be happy? ive done so for 5 years. isnt that enough? 

i'll probably have to istighfar alot. in case all these anger had caused me to stop believing in Him. 

all i wish for is happiness. and that will come when i become a teacher to make my parents and grandparents happy and me to live a happy blissful life with him. with the presence of my beloved friends and extended families. 

and ive just broken up with fadzli. i'll probably kick myself for doing so. coz really, he is a nice guy. somehow similar to hamad the way he's been treating me. and i miss being treated that way. but i cant do this to him. to be with him and think of another man. its not fair for him. makes me feel guilty. and coz he's been very nice and sweet to me. but i need to do this for myself.. i dont wanna hurt him.. and in order for me to have a lasting relationship, i need to forget the past and move on. which will take quite sometime.

but its okay. coz i honestly dont feel like being in a relationship now. i have other things in mind.

1) find a job if i dont get that teaching job.

2) to finally pass my driving. going private this time coz no budget.

3) to save up and buy a family car so i can provide luxury and comfort for my family and my bro-in-law family too

just hope i'll get to do these.